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"The Universe Is My Sugar Daddy."

I felt so clever when I came up in that saying. I had it written on the corner of the biggest mirror in the mirror room.

On a Post It Note. 

I loved taking care of my hair in that room. There was this feeling of love, inner satisfaction, happiness, and ahh, that came from running The Perfect Gel through my long, thick, curly hair. Ive laughed my whole life at suggestions for ways to "fix" my hair: Cut it. Condition it. Change the style. Do something to it! Clearly, they don't understand. Ive always loved my hair, and it felt good to play with it in that room. "The Universe is my Sugar Daddy" sprawled on a yellow post it note was a reminder that I could have anything I wanted in this life time. I knew that happiness, success, freedom and love were abundantly available to everyone, and anyone who was able to figure out the formula. My fingers would untangle and re set curls as I would practice manifesting stuff I wanted to my doorstep. Flowers, edibles, books, office supplies, organic soaps made with essential oils, make - up, clothes and other goodies would align themselves with me showing me that I had figured out at least part of the equation. With no set schedule, and responsibilities that felt like privileges, I was free to spend my day figuring out what awesome thing I was going to do for myself that day. It was a lovely relationship I had going on with myself. I loved taking long walks to yoga class, and long vegan lunches at interesting restaurants. I read lots of books, did lots of journaling, and made lots of crafts. My relationship to Source was strong, and that silly little post it note, was the perfect reminder that kept me in the mindset that allowed me to stay in the practice of self love.  

An angry boyfriend was able to squash the fun off my post it note. He pointed out in anger and accusations that I treated people with expectations. That I was selfish and naive and stuck up and self absorbed. He turned what I thought was self love into something guilty and shameful. Spending all day on making myself happy seemed less fun after his accusations. Shouldn't I be doing something else besides reading? Shouldn't I be doing more? I began questioning and judging myself, my actions, my thoughts, my time. I began a slow decline into the world of normalcy where food tasted as good as you cooked it, and things look nice if you keep them nice. People only smile back sometimes, and traffic exists. 

Today, I laughed, as I caught myself talking to myself in the mirror. I was tucking stray curls into a selfishly messy bun while laughing and shaking my head, saying: "Yes, thank, you I appreciate it, but that's not what I asked for." I surprised myself at the familiar connection I was having with Source. I was talking, laughing and giggling with myself. I was making a mental list of manifestations and congratulating myself, while reminding me that the actual challenge. I was alluding to a Manifestation Challenge I have going on with myself where I attract an extra $444. I was taken back to that mirror room and that silly little post it note. And then I remembered the feeling of guilt and selfishness I had been letting myself live in. I felt good to release a layer of crap as I lifted guilt and shame from my body.

I did a short meditation of forgiveness, and I went back in time to when I started losing track of how important self love is. I gave my then self a big hug and showed her how miserable and cruel life can be when you don't put yourself first. I showed her streams of people who needed a smile in their day and didn't get it, I showed her children who needed her heart centered enough to teach them love, I showed her activities missed because she didn't feel up to it, and events not attended because she didn't feel good enough. I showed her how dark it is when your inner light is turned off, and I gave her control of the dimmer switch making sure she knew that brighter was an option too. Then I gifted her a huge tub organic, chemical free hair treatment. She smiled and laughed and thanked me while she played with her hair, laughing at poor fools silly enough to think that there is anything better you can do with your life than spending it making sure that you are happy. 

 I think I'll spend the rest of my day making sure that I have a really nice dinner, evening entertainment, and a great nights sleep. 


 


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    Metzli is an intuitive tarot reader. She practices through her Etsy Shop.

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